I’m not sure why, but for some reason, lunchtime is my hardest time of the day when I am home with my kids. Ever since having children, making sandwiches is a trigger for my anxiety. I know this sounds silly because lathering up some bread with peanut butter and jelly is not a difficult task for the average mom, but for me, it can be one of the hardest things I do during the day. I’ve contemplated why this is and I have no real personal trauma from making sandwiches or lunchtime in general. There was never any one bad experience during lunch that made sandwich making my arch nemesis. However, I am going to take a slice at it and put into words why making a sandwich can trigger my anxiety and completely exhaust me.
First off, I want you to know that I actually love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The jelly has to be grape and the peanut butter creamy. This is nostalgic for me. My nana used to make them for me every day when she watched me as a child. My mom packed them in my lunch almost daily for my entire grade school career. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were a staple of my childhood, just like for many kids, and I associate them with a period of my life where I was naïve and full of joy, unafraid and confident, and simply happy. I will still occasionally enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today- bonus points if there is a side of sand because that means I am eating it at the beach.
Secondly, I didn’t even know that making a sandwich was a trigger until I met with a friend and words along the lines of “Lunchtime is really hard for me… I hate making sandwiches” came out of my mouth. You see, I was in the midst of my second bought of postpartum depression and anxiety. I had it after my first was born and then I had it again after my second was born. Now, almost three years postpartum, I just carry the labels of depression, anxiety, and PMDD around with me. I was meeting with this friend to be mentored through some of the darkest days of my life. I loved my children, but I hated being a mom because I always felt like I was failing. I felt robbed of the sweet newborn stage, not once but twice, and I feared every day that I was singlehandedly ruining my own children (I know! I know! I shouldn’t give myself so much credit). I could no longer do this depressed, anxious motherhood thing alone and I needed a peer, someone with similar experiences. I needed to know I was not the only one and to hear someone else’s similar story in person. So, I met with another mom from church who I was told would be able to relate, as well as offer some encouragement.
I instantly felt comfortable when we first met for tea and coffee. She was open and honest and as I listened to her talk about her own experiences, I felt understood. A few more kids and way wiser, she was real, yet gentle and I held onto every word that she said. She opened up in detail about her own experiences, but always ended them with an encouraging lesson she had learned through the process. So, I started to open up too and eventually I just blurted out the statement about sandwiches. Thankfully she did not laugh or make me feel stupid with a well-meaning comment about sandwiches being nothing hard. Instead, she related to small things sometimes being the hardest things, normalizing it for me, and then offered some guidance: stay in the present, don’t think about the looming to-do list, and “just make the sandwich.” Ever since she told me to “just make the sandwich,” this has been my mantra for when life feels overwhelming and my to-do list seems to be exponentially growing.
In itself, there is nothing glamorous or heroic about making a sandwich. It could easily be considered one of the most mundane tasks in life. We eat lunch every day. It is a reoccurring part of our schedule- a hamster wheel activity. And maybe that is why it panics me. Making a sandwich does not make me feel significant or impactful. How can I be saving the world when I have to make sandwiches? I feel like I should be doing a thousand other things instead of making the sandwich. Aren’t there more important and grand items on my to-do list? Can’t I be doing more right now? Comparing the ordinary task of making a sandwich to the importance of the other items on that to-do list makes making the sandwich feel small, insignificant, and basic. I could be, should be, doing all of those other things, but here I am stuck making another peanut butter and jelly sandwich (that my kids will complain that I didn’t cut the right way and refuse to eat it).
And then there becomes the thought of “is this sandwich I am making even good enough?” Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are as pretty bottom-shelf as far as sandwiches go. Should I be making a turkey and cheese sandwich for my kids instead? Or why am I even still making sandwiches for lunch? Maybe I should be doing food art and Bento boxes and not serving my kids the sugar-filled jelly? I definitely will not be posting a picture of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich on Instagram. Comparing my peanut butter and jelly to someone else’s homemade sushi rolls for their kids begins planting lies in my head. Comparison of sandwiches leads to comparison of myself to others and now I am not sure I am good enough to provide my kids what they need to become responsible citizens of this world. Now my head is cluttered with nonsense and I am no longer present in the moment, but panicked by the future- an hour from now, tomorrow, next school year, and 15 years from now when my kids are adults. The simple task of making a sandwich in the present moment, meeting a very current need of my children, begins to be hard and worrisome and now I feel like I’ve lost total control over everything in life. Obviously, I’m doomed and my kids are doomed. God bless my husband when he gets home from work because the only logical thing to do now is throw the sandwich at him because I am sure this is his fault somehow. Why can’t I just make a sandwich?
Mama, I see you standing there at your kitchen counter, knife in hand and staring at two pieces of bread spread out on the counter, thinking “Am I a good enough mother?” or “Will I ever get anything done?” Well let me tell you mama, that sandwich you are about to make, combined with the one thousand other things you are going to do for your kids today, now that is glamourous and heroic. Glamourous because you are creating beautiful memories and heroic because you are courageous every morning you choose to step out of bed to serve others, your kids. You are noble and self-sacrificing and you are lovely. Yes, you will mess up and make wrong decisions or yell at your kids every now and then, but you mama, you are the handpicked, wonderfully created mother for your children. You are right where you are meant to be, doing the little and big things you were created to do. So, whenever life starts to feel heavy and you feel like all four walls are pressing in on you and you start to spin out of control, remember to pause and take a deep breath and stay present. Just make the sandwich.
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now,
and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.
God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”
Matthew 6:34 (MSG)
“You were made for such a time as this.” Esther 4:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14
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